Rapport Mistake Number 5

The fifth most common mistake is playing the wrong role inside of a relationship.

Now, when two people relate to each other, their relative status will always be fluctuating. To some extent, someone will be a higher status, someone a lower status, and sometimes they’ll be of equal status.

Now, when I talk about status, this is not a value judgement. Someone who’s higher status does not necessarily mean that they are better people. It’s a role that’s being played.

For example, a teacher and a student: the teacher needs to have the higher status in order to be able to teach the student.

The problem is that some people are inflexible, and they can only really relate to someone who is in a particular status.
So some people are maybe so frightened that someone will look down on them that they can only ever be in a high status role. So if you try and take your high status role from them, they’ll start distrusting you or disliking you for it.

So, to be flexible in your communication, sometimes you’ll play the underdog, sometimes you’ll play the equal, and sometimes you’ll play the charismatic or authority figure that leads the way forward. Now, the trick is to help someone create more flexibility by perhaps starting at the level that they require, and then slowly changing it so that they need to adapt to you. But remember, the ‘pacing and leading’ principle means you move only as quickly as the other person can keep track of what you’re doing, and actually follow along.

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